A Steel Heart Read online

  There I stood in a fog as I watched his truck fade in the distance. It wasn’t until he was out of sight that I noticed I was still clutching my Chinese food to my chest. I pulled it away from my body and winced at the brown sauce down the front of my favorite, white book shirt.

  “Son of a monkey,” I said to myself as I climbed the steps. Horrified. Embarrassed at the whole ordeal. “Okay? Okay?” I mumbled over and over. “That’s all you could think to say to the man of your dreams?” I shook my head and made my way into my apartment, determined to say something other than okay the next time I saw that gorgeous man.

  The hairs stood up on the back of my neck as soon as the chopper lowered. We fast-roped in even as a sick, eerie feeling overcame me. One I couldn’t fucking shake for the life of me. My team of twelve had been taking part in an ongoing series of operations that had successfully disrupted insurgent activity in Afghanistan for the past couple of weeks. But this was different. Our boots hit dry dirt in Kandahar Province, our guns raised, our voices silent, and my skin prickled with an awareness I was all too familiar with. And that awareness was never good. My stomach lurched as I marched ahead of our medic, First Lieutenant Davies, motioning for him to slow with my hands. When these feelings came over me, I always walked ahead of my team. I looked back at my squad. They all had wives, families, children to get home to. All I had was an estranged sister and a healthy dose of no fucks.

  Our mission was concise. Find the target, take him out, and get the hell out of there as soon as fucking possible. Five hundred feet to the right stood what appeared to be an old abandoned building, but I knew better than anyone the kind of traps that lay in wait in buildings like that one.

  The air was dry, the dirt drier. Even with the hot sun on my face, sweat in my eyes, the earth’s grit in my mouth, and this stomach sinking feeling, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Serving my country in the only way I knew how.

  We treaded to the building on ghost-like feet, crouched low, ready for anything but always prepared for the absolute worst.

  I motioned young Private Lawrence forward, giving the silent order for him to do a sweep of the entrance to the building. He entered ahead of us, a look of weariness evident on the features of his smooth face, checking the area carefully with his mine detector. A nod of his head and we had the all clear. We entered behind him, half of my team along one wall of the square room and the other half along the other side.

  A doorway hidden behind an old blanket led to another room and Lawrence swept the doorway. Deciding it was safe, he motioned the team through. I stayed behind, offering rear protection, always aware of my surroundings, ever vigilant. The last through the doorway, a sense of foreboding hit me hard, along with a wave of sound and debris that happened in slow motion and took my breath away in an instant. I was launched backward a few feet before landing hard on my back, the little air I did have sucked from my lungs like a siphon from the sheer force of the impact.

  I lay there, shocked, my eyes screwed shut tight, trying to catch my breath before I checked myself for injuries.

  My ears rang with a high-pitched sound, but I still managed to hear a soldier call into headquarters. “Contact IED. Wait out.”

  Fuck, I’d stood on an Improvised Explosive Device. My face burned, but I forced my eyes open. Only my right eye was clouded and unfocused, so I moved my hand to it, checking to make sure my eyeball was still there. My swollen hand came away with a wetness I could only assume was blood. I moved my head around, trying to focus with my one good eye.

  Dust.

  Ringing in my ears.

  Soldiers yelling.

  “Any casualties? Any casualties?”

  I held my hands up in front of my face, doing a limb check, but I could barely make them out through all the debris still floating in the air and the blood in my eyes. I moved my hands down my body, across my battered torso. Grunting, I rolled to my side, checking my legs and that’s when I felt it.

  Nothing.

  And absolutely fucking everything.

  A pain so unimaginable, so goddamn searing, that blackness nearly took me under.

  “Me. Me. Steel. I’m a casualty,” I somehow gritted out through cracked, bruised lips.

  “Fuckkkkk.” I startled awake, the pain in my leg so intense my body arched and contorted with it. Sweat blanketed me and nausea rolled in my stomach.

  I pressed my palm over my mouth tightly so I could scream behind it without waking the entire building. My other hand made a fist and met the headboard with a bang over and over while I yelled into my hand until the pain eventually somewhat passed.

  I exhaled and rolled to my stomach, reaching for the pain pills and water that were always on my bedside table.

  And that’s how I started every day for the past six months.

  With a real-life nightmare haunting my thoughts.

  With a cuss word on my lips.

  With a pain pill sour in my mouth.

  Things I Like To Do

  Stalk The Hot Neighbor

  Play With Will

  Cuddle All The Babies

  I was not a morning person on a regular day, but that day I was supremely not a morning person. Mostly because I’d had almost zero sleep. So, when someone started banging on my front door at seven-thirty in the morning I wanted to scream. Who would dare visit my inner sanctum before I’d had my requisite coffee and donut? Someone was feeling brave this morning, and I was feeling particularly bat poo crazy.

  And I blamed my dream man next door. Only right then he wasn’t my dream man. He was a punk-face sleep take-awayer. Because my dream man wouldn’t slut it up all night with another woman. And, as far as I knew, that’s exactly what he’d been doing if the noise coming through the walls all night was any indication.

  I’d heard grunts, groans, and at one point yelling. I didn’t even want to talk about the banging on the dang wall. But I guess that’s what happened when you shared a bedroom wall with one of the hottest men you’d ever seen in your life. Some nights you just didn’t get much sleep. And not because he was giving you the dirty; no, because he was ridiculously and shamelessly loud with whatever hussy he’d brought home.

  I never saw the women that over-the-top good-looking nameless man brought into his apartment, but I knew he did it regularly because this wasn’t the first time he’d woken me in the night with his sexual shenanigans. It wasn’t even the second time. Hey, at least one of us is getting some.

  The pounding on my door ensued. I covered my head with my pillow, determined to ignore it. Christ on a cracker, it’s Friday, practically the weekend. Go home and go back to sleep.

  Whoever was at the door wasn’t going away, so I dragged my lazy behind from the bed and straight to my front door, stomping the whole gosh darn way. And, no, I didn’t put on any pants. If you came to my apartment before ten in the morning it was an enter at your own risk situation.

  I stood on my tiptoes and looked through the peephole. No one. So, I tentatively turned the dead bolt and cracked the door open.

  I smiled even though it was an ungodly hour. “Will.”

  “Can you play today?”

  I opened the door all the way and crouched down into a squatting position, pulling my big, black T-shirt down and over my knees along the way. “What are you doing here, buddy? It’s super early,” I said softly to my most favorite neighbor in the building.

  There were only four apartments above the coffee shop below. Will and his mother lived on the second floor across from an older, retired woman named Betts, and Mister Scowly Face and I occupied the third floor. Will’s mom was a nurse at the main hospital downtown and worked crazy, insane hours, so sometimes I took care of him for her. I didn’t mind. He was eight and pretty easy to care for. He could do most things for himself and loved playing old school Nintendo with me.

  Will’s baby blues looked up at me from beneath his shaggy brown hair, his mouth open and poised for an answer when the door across from us swung op
en and there stood dream man in all his gorgeousness.

  I shot to my feet and felt my T-shirt hit me right at center thigh, but that didn’t stop me from appreciating the sight before me. Even Will turned around and gawked at the man. And he was all man, standing there in gray sweatpants that hung low on his hips, revealing the coveted deep V women loved. White tennis shoes covered his feet, and I felt myself disappointed. I wanted to see if his feet were as fantastical as the rest of him. Abs for days and a chest so broad and tan even my imagination hadn’t done it justice took most of my attention.

  Brown, sparse hair.

  Small, dark nipples.

  Huge shoulders.

  Thick neck.

  Square, marvelous jaw.

  The ever-present dog tags hanging from his neck.

  Holy cannoli, I loved that jaw. And that scowl. No matter how he tried to intimidate with it, it always did the opposite for me. That scowl made me want to do all of the naughty, dirty things to his mouth.

  And then I blushed, thinking of all the dirty things he’d done last night, practically right beside me, just on the other side of our shared bedroom wall.

  A noise like someone clearing their throat snapped me out of my thoughts and my eyes shot to his.

  For once, he wasn’t wearing those cursed sunglasses. His eyes weren’t like anything I expected. A small scar ran down from the corner of his left eye to the top of his cheek, but it only added to his appeal. That scar made him look forbidden and bad for me, which only served to make me want him more. Because I obviously had too many fantasies and too little sense of self-preservation. He had high cheekbones, I noticed. And his eyes. I had anticipated warm, rich, kind eyes. Only they were dark as midnight. So dark I couldn’t see the pupil in the middle of them. And cold as ice.

  Those cold eyes moved down me to my legs and stopped there for a minute before crawling back up my body and landing on my face. I shivered at the frost in them.

  “Think you guys could keep it down? All that banging is gonna wake the whole damn building,” he said through a frown, his face blank, his eyes hard, practically staring right through me.

  Was he flipping serious? He’d kept me awake all night slutting it up and now he was complaining about a small boy knocking on my door. The gall. The brazenness. The gosh darn nerve of that man! And I almost told him all of that, but he closed the door on my open mouth and wide eyes, and Will and I were alone again, like the whole interaction had never happened. What the actual fudge?

  I rolled my eyes at that door, wondering how a man could be so hot and moody at the same time. Looking down at Will, I asked, “What’re you doing up here, buddy? Where’s your momma?”

  He looked down and shuffled his feet. “She’s still sleeping. She worked until eleven last night. She’s tired.”

  I grinned at him. He was too sweet for his own good letting his momma sleep, so I didn’t mention to him that I was tired, too. I pulled the door open wider and gave a big sweep of my hand. “Well, come on in, then. Who watched you last night while your momma worked late?”

  Will bounced in, a smile on his sweet, little face. “Granny came over until she got home. Can we play Nintendo?”

  Don’t waste any time then, kid. “Can I at least have my coffee before you kick my butt in Duck Hunt?”

  He smirked up at me. “That depends. You got any donuts?”

  Giggling, I made my way to the kitchen. “When have you ever been to my house and I haven’t had donuts?” I deadpanned.

  My apartment building was old. Like really freaking old. The countertops were laminate and they were scratched to hell and back. The kitchen was tiny, a white and natural wood color. I didn’t think it had been updated since the eighties, but I was cool with that. Material things didn’t matter to me, unless they were books. Books mattered a heck of a lot. Which meant they were all over the place.

  Will scooted some paperbacks over on the counter and climbed up on a stool on the other side. “Never,” he said matter-of-factly.

  I nodded as I grabbed a box of Krispy Kreme donuts and passed them to him before searching through my cabinets for coffee. “And you never will, boo. Donuts are life.”

  “Yep,” he said around a full mouth of Krispy Kreme deliciousness. Glaze fell from his mouth and onto the counter and it was pretty much the cutest thing ever.

  “Why are you so adorable?” I asked. I made my face as serious as possible. I loved to mess with Will.

  “My uncle says it’s so I can get all the ladies.”

  I laughed out loud and Will just shrugged.

  “Your uncle Levi would know,” I responded, grabbing a donut for myself.

  Will’s mother, Anna, had tried on more than one occasion to set me up with Levi. And I’d thought about dating him for sure. He was good-looking, fun, and a shameless flirt, but I knew he wasn’t the one. And I was always looking for the one. I didn’t want to waste my time on men that didn’t give me butterflies. Men who didn’t make my heart race. I wasn’t one for wasting time in the pursuit of good sex or having someone. I didn’t need a man to be happy. That sure as heck didn’t mean I didn’t want one. All women wanted someone to share their lives with. I just wanted someone who I knew was always going to be the same someone and I was willing to wait.

  I’d done my share of playing the field through my early years of college. I’d quickly learned sex didn’t equal romance or happiness and those were my goals.

  “Cheers!” I held up my donut to Will and he bumped his fried goodness against mine.

  “Cheers,” he called back.

  We played Nintendo, ate junk food, and watched old reruns of Pokémon until Will’s momma came up to get him sometime late in the morning. It was fun, and I didn’t get much work done, but it was totally worth it.

  On Fridays, I skipped my 3:00 p.m. stalking session for something a little more meaningful. I know, I know. I was crazy! But my hot neighbor would be there tomorrow.

  I walked the seven blocks to St. Lucas Hospital. I stopped by the little library on the way, dropping off more books.

  My phone rang as I entered the elevator at the hospital and I thought about not answering as I stared at the screen. She was gonna cut me.

  I picked up the phone and before I even got out a hello my caller laid into me.

  “Oh my God, please tell me you’ve finished editing Simmer, Miranda. I need it like yesterday.”

  I smiled into the phone because this was always her method of operation, so I knew exactly how to deal with it. And also, I wasn’t even close to being done, but I knew I’d be able to finish it tonight if she really needed it.

  “Well, hello to you, too, Aly Martinez. Let’s just skip the pleasantries, shall we?” I smarted into the phone as the elevator made its way up to the fourth floor.

  Aly didn’t miss a beat. “I know it’s incredibly hard for you not to be cute, but do you think you can push the pause button on your adorableness for two seconds so you can tell me how the book is coming along?”

  I mock gasped into the phone. “I had no idea you felt this way, Allison,” I whispered and followed it with a giggle.

  “Miranda.”

  “Aly.”

  “How. Is. The. Book. Coming?”

  I walked off the elevator and turned left. “Fantastic! Amazing! I’m almost done!”

  “Seriously?” she asked, sounding skeptical.

  I sighed before answering. “No, not really.”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell her I’d been busy with Will all morning when I should have been editing. I didn’t want to disappoint her, but I also lived my life with no regrets, and I enjoyed every minute I’d spent this morning playing with my little buddy. I was a seize the day type of girl, work be darned. No regrets. Only happiness.

  “God, you’re a terrible liar.”

  I laughed. “I know. I know. I should work on that, but seriously, I’ll have it done by tomorrow night. I promise.”

  I rounded the corner and there they
were behind the glass windows. All of my angels.

  “I gotta go, Aly. It’s Friday.”

  “Ahh. Okay, but first, how are you liking Tanner?”

  I’d been editing books for Aly Martinez for the last year. I didn’t know how to tell her there wasn’t a book boyfriend she wrote that I didn’t love. So I said what I always said when she asked this question.

  “He’s dreamy, girl. Just perfect and hilarious to boot.”

  She breathed a sigh of relief. “Good.”

  I shook my head and smiled, finding it ridiculously funny that such an amazing and accomplished author still always worried about every release.

  “Bye, Miranda, enjoy your cuddles.”

  I hung up and pushed my way through the glass door and immediately went to the sink to wash my hands and my arms all the way to my elbows. And even though I told myself I wouldn’t do it, I headed straight for her. I couldn’t help myself, though. I tried not to play favorites, but I’d seen her sweet little face last week and fallen in love. Somehow she’d wormed her way right into my heart.

  “Hey, Miranda,” Hadley said. She was weighing a baby I’d never seen before on the scale in the corner. She smiled at me and pushed her short blond hair behind her ears before picking up the new baby with dark brown hair. The unicorns and rainbows on her scrubs fit her sweet, fairy-like personality perfectly.

  “Hey, Hadley,” I said quietly, never one for small talk during this time. I was a talker for sure, but this was my therapy. My time for peace and quiet.

  I grabbed Gracie up, cradling her very small, premature body against my chest, and sat in one of the rocking chairs. I placed her chest to mine, her head to my shoulder and instant relief coursed through me. I came here every Friday so that these sweet babies could be held. So they could be offered some sort of comfort because some of these sweet angels would never leave this room. Some of them would pass before they ever made it past the glass walls around us. And some of them were so sick they’d be contained here for far too long, with not enough people to hold them, not enough people to love them.