A Steel Heart (Heart #2) Page 7

  I hadn’t thought about fucking a woman in a long time. Since before my accident. I thought maybe I’d never think about it again. Turned out I was dead wrong.

  “What’s going on today, grumpy Gus?” the seductress said from beside me.

  I looked over at her. Big mistake. Huge. I didn’t think I’d ever seen a more beautiful sight. Fuck, I wanted to push her against the brick wall of that building and rut her like a goddamn animal. I wouldn’t be soft. I wouldn’t take it slow. I’d yank down her panties and push into her roughly, fucking her until her eyes crossed in pleasure. And I wouldn’t leave her until the evidence of my pleasure was running down her legs.

  “Nothing.” I didn’t look at her again. I couldn’t. My thoughts were too dirty. My dick too fucking hard.

  I pushed forward and she fell in beside me, ironically like a well-trained soldier.

  “Bull. Spill it, Holden.”

  I choked on my own spit. Oh, I wanted to spill it, all right. All over her tits. All over her ass.

  She rubbed my back. “You okay?”

  And nope. Her hands on me weren’t making this situation any better. She’d just gone and made an already hard situation impossibly harder. I tried to inconspicuously adjust my dick and shrugged her off. I moved over on the sidewalk closer to the building we were walking next to.

  I glanced over at Mae, feeling guilty for pushing her away when I noticed her downtrodden face, until I saw that bottom lip poked out, fucking calling my name. I wanted to bite it and then suck the sting away.

  Don’t look at her lips, Steel! This was utterly fucking ridiculous. I needed this walk over. Now.

  I picked up speed and realized my mistake a second too late. I stepped too fast at the wrong angle, and I went down on that sidewalk like a ton of bricks. I grunted and the dull throb in my left leg turned into full-blown scorching pain. The kind that woke me in the middle of the night with screams.

  I landed on my ass hard, but I didn’t really notice because of my leg. My fucking leg. I closed my eyes and prayed for the strength not to yell and scream and cuss.

  Mae was crouched down next to me in an instant. “Oh, God. Holden. Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

  I buried my face close to my legs and covered my entire head with my arms, breathing deep. I had to get this shit on lockdown. I couldn’t let the pain control me. I wouldn’t be a victim to it. Not in public. Not in front of her. Dear God, please not in front of her.

  “Did you hurt your leg?” she asked from beside me, but before I could act she’d already pulled up the left pants leg of my black sweats, revealing my humiliation one inch at a time.

  Jerking back, I pushed her hand away and pulled my pants leg back over my shoe, my unimaginable pain forgotten in the face of another crisis. I looked at her face. And fuck, I knew. Her wide, shocked eyes. The frown line in the middle of her forehead. They were all dead giveaways. She’d seen it. The pylon rod that made up my leg the last six months of my life. No, I hadn’t just lost my career and my friend that day in the desert, I’d lost my fucking leg, too.

  “Oh, Holden,” she breathed out, her eyes sad.

  Shame. It started right in the pit of my stomach and burned outward, radiating through me like wildfire. Burning me the fuck up.

  “Don’t do that,” I snapped. “Don’t you dare fucking do that!”

  “Do what?”

  But she was still doing it. Her downcast eyes. Full of pity. I didn’t want it. She could keep that shit.

  “Pity me. I don’t want your fucking pity, Mae. You hear me?” I was pissed, but even more than that I was embarrassed. Ashamed. I’d never shown anyone this leg besides my sister and the medical professionals who helped me.

  Mae stood up from the ground and wiped her hands off on those damn black pants that had caused this whole thing in the first place. She put her hand out for mine to help me off the ground, her face as determined as that outstretched hand.

  “Don’t you dare pretend to know how I feel, Holden. And don’t ever mistake my compassion for you for pity. Compassion and pity are two completely different things and you’d do well to remember that.”

  I scoffed and sneered at her outstretched hand, and used the building next to me as leverage to stand up, the pain still radiating from my knee and downward into a leg that wasn’t there. I wouldn’t lean on her. I wouldn’t let her help me. It wouldn’t let myself need her any more than I already did. Which was already too damn much.

  I stood upright and reached into the pocket of my hoodie and took out my bottle of pills. I dumped two in my hand and popped them right in my mouth before placing the bottle back in my pocket.

  I chewed the pills, the acrid, bitter taste filling my mouth.

  Mae watched me like a hawk, her frown deep, her eyes narrowed. I tried to put pressure on my prosthesis but could barely manage, so I leaned back against the wall again, knowing I’d have to give it time to let the pain pass, but pissed off Mae would see me at my weakest.

  She leaned on the wall next to me. “What did you take?”

  I looked at her face assessing me, the line between her eyes harsh. I couldn’t help but raise my hand and smooth my thumb over it. She leaned into my palm a little.

  “Just some pills for the pain.”

  That line came back and I smoothed it again, loving the feel of her under my fingers far too fucking much.

  “Prescribed pills, Mae. The doctor gave them to me.”

  She nodded. “Does it hurt terribly?”

  I couldn’t lie to those caring, caramel eyes. “Sometimes.”

  She looked back down my body like she was searching for the evidence of my prosthesis that she’d somehow missed before.

  Her eyes trailed back up my body slowly before hitting mine. Tears shone in the depths of them. And awe. So much awe filled them. I almost couldn’t take it. My heart tripled behind my ribcage. My chest ached. I couldn’t stand it. How could this woman’s tears hurt worse than losing my leg, more than any phantom pain that woke me in the night?

  I laid my palm to her cheek and one lone tear slipped free. I used my thumb to wipe it away. “Don’t,” I whispered. “Please.” She was killing me.

  She shook her head, her smile sad. “How could I ever pity you, Holden? How could I possibly pity someone I so greatly admire?”

  And then she just went in like we did this all the time. One second she was leaning on the building next to me and the next she was hugging me so tightly she took my breath away.

  And I let her. Because even though I didn’t want to admit it, I needed that fucking hug like I needed my next breath. So I luxuriated in the warm body pressed to mine. The feeling of a woman’s soft curves fitting against my hard lines so perfectly. Not just any woman, though. My Mae. The thump of her heart against the deep base of mine. Her arms in a vise-like grip around me. The scent of her shampoo filling my nostrils. And for the first time since I’d moved to this godforsaken state the locals took such pride in, I felt it. That Carolina sunshine on my face. And it was so warm. Almost blinding in its radiance. It was fucking perfect, that hug.

  “Do you believe in fate?” she whispered against my neck, not letting go.

  Her breath ghosting over my skin set every hair straight on my body. I leaned my head back so I could see her face.

  Her eyes, my God. They were a direct line to my heart. They made it simultaneously hurt and beat faster. What was happening to me?

  Did I believe in fate? A month ago, I would have called fate complete bullshit, but staring down at this woman, I knew the truth. What else could I call it? The feeling only she gave me? This sudden willingness to live when all I’d wanted was to die? The excitement I felt every time I saw her when I’d been so miserable the months before?

  She could only be here for one reason and that reason had to be me.

  “Maybe,” I breathed down at her.

  Favorite Donuts

  Ducks

  Krispy Kreme

  Rise

>   Holden quirked an eyebrow at me. “This wasn’t what I was talking about when I said I believed in fate, Mae.” His perma-scowl was back and I was glad for it. That was normal. The broken man who’d been sitting on the sidewalk outside wasn’t. I didn’t know that man. I knew this one all too well, though.

  I laughed out loud. “You still got jokes, Hold. I like that.” I winked at him. “But you just sit your sweet behind in that chair and let me handle this.”

  He rolled his eyes and huffed a breath, but did what I requested. His big body, I admit, looked way too big for the small plastic chair he sat himself in.

  I made my way to do what I did best; buy us some donuts. Despite what Holden said, it was indeed fate that he fell right outside Duck Donuts, my favorite place to have donuts in all of Columbia. Since no one in the world needed a donut more than Holden, here we were.

  But the truth was, he needed a place to sit for a few until the pain in his leg lessened, and I needed time to collect myself. I still couldn’t believe it. It felt like a dream, me pulling back his pants leg and seeing what looked like metal instead of flesh and blood. I didn’t think I’d ever been so shocked in my life. Never once did I think he’d had a prosthetic leg. Not with how fast, hard, and long he walked every day. How could he possibly think I’d ever pity him when he tried so hard every day? I saw it now. I understood. And, yes, his determination to overcome his disability inspired the heck outta me. Holden Steel was full of surprises and while I still had what felt like a bazillion questions, I knew Holden couldn’t handle any more big reveals today. But still, I couldn’t stop my mind from buzzing. How long had he been like that? Surely not that long if he was still in such pain? How had it happened? Had it happened overseas when he was in the military or was this a civilian accident? Was that why he was retired? Why he was so unhappy all the time? But my biggest concern was the pills he’d popped so effortlessly into his mouth, crunching on them like candy. They scared me. Was he taking them a lot? As prescribed?

  “What can I get for you?” The man behind the counter snapped me out of my daze.

  Dang it, I didn’t even watch them make the donuts through the glass I’d been so caught up in my thoughts. That was one of my favorite parts of coming to Ducks.

  The guy behind the counter raised his eyebrows at my order of half a dozen maple bacon and another half dozen of chocolate Oreo. I ordered what would probably be considered too many donuts, but Holden was a big guy and I had a healthy appetite. So, I narrowed my eyes at the guy behind the counter and dared him to say something. No one came between me and my donuts.

  I waited by the counter for my delicious pastries even though I probably could have waited with Holden, but I wasn’t quite ready yet. I watched him, though. He frowned like the very smell of donuts pissed him off and I couldn’t help but smile. I bet the guy never had sweets. He was all hard, sinewy muscle. I bet he lived off meat and veggies. Yeah, his physique said he hadn’t had a donut in a very long time, but that situation was about to be rectified.

  The guy across the counter handed me my donuts and two coffees and I mumbled a thank you before walking to Holden.

  Holden watched me with narrowed eyes and pursed lips.

  “Don’t look at me like I’m bringing you the plague. They’re donuts, for goodness’ sake,” I said, plopping myself into a seat across the table from him.

  “Those things will kill you,” he said, and I giggled at his dramatics.

  I grabbed a maple bacon donut and brought it to my lips and bit into it. I moaned around the bite before saying with a full mouth, “But what a way to go, right?”

  Holden rolled his eyes yet again and took a sip of his coffee, eyeing my mouth.

  Worried I might have icing or bacon around my lips, I licked around my mouth twice, not about to waste any of that goodness on a napkin like a woman with any manners would.

  “For fuck’s sake. Make it stop, God,” Holden groaned and looked at the ceiling and fidgeted in his chair.

  I grabbed a napkin off the table and scooped a chocolate Oreo donut up and laid it on top of the napkin and set it right in front of Holden. “You don’t have to pray for donuts. All you have to do is ask nicely.” I smiled.

  He stared at that donut like it was the devil. “I’m not eating that,” he deadpanned.

  “Why not?” I demanded. “It’s delicious. It’s fried bread with Oreos and chocolate on it, for the love of God. How can you not eat it?”

  “Because it’s not good for you. It’s just sugar upon sugar upon sugar, Mae. My body doesn’t need that shit.”

  I shook my head. “Holden, sometimes we don’t eat for our bodies. Sometimes we eat for our souls and trust me, your soul needed that donut yesterday.”

  He sighed and looked at the ceiling again like he was praying for patience before looking back at me.

  “You’ve had a crappy morning, Holden.” I pushed the donut closer to him. “Sometimes you just gotta eat the donuts.”

  “Fine,” he grumbled out, quickly grabbing the fried goodness and bringing it to his mouth. He practically shoved the entire thing behind his lips, obviously trying to get me off his back, but I didn’t think he expected it to taste as good as I knew it would because as soon as it hit his taste buds he froze. His eyes slipped closed ever so slowly and a deep, husky moan that made me blush all the way to the tips of my toes fell from his lips.

  Holy cannoli. I mean, holy donuts. Who knew watching Holden Steel eat donuts would be so darn erotic.

  I gulped as I watched him chew, his eyes still closed, a look that could only be described as pure bliss on his face. He licked his lips and his eyes sprang open as he swallowed.

  I looked away because, dang, I wanted to feed Holden donuts from my bed. I couldn’t help but picture him naked in the middle of my pale yellow sheets. His torso tan and dark against the starkness of my bedding. Me leaned over him, naked myself, dangling a donut from my hand like a bunch of grapes. I bet that glaze would taste delicious.

  “Can I get you some more coffee?” The dude that was behind the counter now stood next to our table. He snapped me out of my dirty, dirty thoughts.

  “I’m good.” I smiled up at him and he smiled back. Now that I was paying attention, I noticed he wasn’t bad looking. He looked about my age and had sandy blond hair and green eyes. He was no Holden Steel, but he wasn’t hard on the eyes either, if you know what I mean.

  “Is there anything else I can get you?” he asked in a teasing tone.

  “No. Goodbye now,” Holden ground out from across me and the cute boy was gone lickety-split.

  I bit my lip to hold back my grin and teased Holden. “That was mean. He just wanted to get us refills.”

  Fire lit behind his eyes. “No, that boy, he wanted to…to…” He paused like he was stopping himself from what he wanted to say.

  “Wanted what?” I asked, challenging Holden to tell the truth. I knew what he was going to say. He was going to say that he was flirting with me. I didn’t know why that would bother Holden except for the fact that he might feel protective over me. It seemed over the past few weeks, we had really become friends. Maybe he felt a brotherly instinct to protect me. My stomach turned at the thought of Holden feeling brotherly toward me.

  “Well?” I prompted him, one of my brows raised.

  “He…he wanted to taste your donuts,” Holden finally said after sputtering for a few seconds.

  Laughter hit me so hard, I was shocked and if the look on Holden’s face was any indication he was, too. But eventually his face settled into the scowl that I expected and truth be known liked. That scowl was starting to feel like an old friend. A comfy bed. A good book. It was familiar and homey, that frown.

  “Oh, Holden,” I said, still laughing even though he looked mad as sin. “I don’t let just any man taste my donuts.”

  He huffed a breath that I would almost consider a laugh and even though only one half of his mouth was barely hitched, his eyes danced. And those dancing eyes. Tha
t small hitch in his lips. That barely noticeable laugh. It made the blood sing in my veins.

  He also looked up to no darn good all of a sudden. He looked too full of himself as he stood up and rounded the table and once again took a seat, only this time right next to me.

  My skin felt warm and tight as I watched Holden lean over the box of pastries between us and grab the maple bacon donut I’d taken a bite of. He brought it to his lips, his eyes closing before the sweetness even hit his tongue. And he bit that donut right where I had and the groan that came from his chest made that moan from before seem like child’s play.

  With wide eyes, I stared. My face flushed, my panties growing more wet by the darn minute. And this time while he chewed he opened his eyes, the fire from them blazing down at me, his face a little smug. Because, yes, Holden Steel had just tasted my donut and I’d let him. I’d even liked it.

  She was coming. She had to be. She always did.

  I paced the sidewalk below my apartment building, waiting, because Mae wasn’t here. She was only five minutes late, but had never been late before. The woman almost always beat me down here, and when she didn’t, she was always a few seconds behind.

  Instead of going up to her apartment and knocking, I prowled the outside of the building like a goddamn wild animal. Where the hell was she? Too much had happened yesterday and her not showing today was making me question things I would’ve never questioned before.

  Insecurity stung at me like a swarm of mosquitoes. And it made me feel weak and crazy, and I fucking hated it. She’d seen my leg yesterday. She’d seen me weak and laid bare, and now all of a sudden she didn’t show up for our daily walk.

  She was coming. She was just late. Now ten minutes late.

  I couldn’t help but to replay the moment she’d seen my prosthesis. She hadn’t seemed disgusted. She hadn’t acted like it had changed things between us. I knew questioning this was ridiculous because Mae would never in a million fucking years shun someone because of a disability. I knew that fucking deep in my soul, but I couldn’t figure out why she wouldn’t show up today. I was grasping at straws.